Thursday, June 2, 2022

Hi, I am interested in buying your Sperm

 Being Josiah Zayner is 100% glitz and glam. Every McDonald’s I goto they give me free food. And I drink my coffee in the morning from Biohacked mammoth tusks covered in gold nanoparticles, because I already resurrected them. Suck it George Church. Nahh, the truth is that even mild fame tends have lots of downsides.

The good thing is majority of my life no one gets to see. Being an uber famous celebrity would suck. I enjoy having a private life. Unfortunately, the internet has made it so anyone can contact anyone and it's let's people invade your private life. I get lots of crazy messages and emails. And I need to sort through them to find the few that are from friends or people I recently met, &c. At first I thought these random emails were cute. I even responded to a few. But after a certain point of fame my inbox just became a dumping ground for dum shit. 

Let me digress a bit.  I imagine most people's inbox are a private space. You probably rarely or never get unsolicited emails that aren’t marketing. Mine is the opposite, almost all the emails and messages I receive are from randos. I see my email boxes as a public space because everyone else does. I get threatened, harassed, objectified. Numerous individuals have sent me over 20 emails. I’ve heard every story about a loved one or someone themself who needs help because they are dying.

I think it is unfair that people are constantly groping for access to me. And I’m not even that famous. Did I ask for fame? That’s a deep question that I will attempt to answer in an email one day but for now, I’ma use the emails people send as content to try and bring a bit of levity to the ‘sitch. Still, I will always attempt to protect the privacy of the people who send me these messages. Even though they may not deserve it.

So let’s begin. I hope this first message kind of sets the tone.

$300 is $300 right? But like, WTF! I can't even. My sperm isn't gonna save anyone's life. I promise. Did they really think this would convince me? The whole “I'm going to die or commit suicide if you don't do this” message is played out. People try it often. The end is the just, mwah, chef's kiss. A couple smiley faces and a "I can drive to you." I mean, isn't that basically sex work at that point? Which I'm not against but I cost more than $300.

Seems legit. Not. You didn't even sign your name! No one who knows alot about running businesses says "they know a lot about business". I get lots of emails from "investors". I can't figure out why? Maybe people think pretending they have money will give them the opportunity to get close to me? Maybe people think I'm that dum? I just never imagined part of my job running The ODIN would be trying to figure out if an investor was legit or not.

I imagine some of you out there who emailed me might actually be legit. Just know that out of the hundreds of "investor" emails I have received, zero have resulted in investment. At this point, if there is someone out there that actually wanted to invest in me and my company it is be way more difficult than it should be. I'm sorry for that. Srsly though, you can always just paypal me money, buy genetic engineering kits from The ODIN or purchase a subscription to my newsletter if you want to support me.

Who's saying I haven't already started a secret society of immortals?


Srsly though I would turn myself into Spiderman if I could. Hopefully soon.

This is one fucked me up. I still think about it. 

WTF? I never imagined just posting a picture of my feet — in shoes — would get responses like this. Objectification sucks. Even compliments don’t often feel good because it just makes me think about how much people care about the way I look. I would love to be able to post a picture on social media without being harassed but those days are long gone. It's sucks that the internet makes this kind of shit easier. STOP! Don't send me pictures of your dick or sexual messages.

I know I ended that on a sour note but I promise next mailbag email will have much more.

Until next time. And remember Biohackers, don't sell your sperm to strangers even if they tell you it will save their life.